Time to Think

I guess I’ve been kidnapped or something. What do they call it? Abducted?

            They got us tied up to these things and we’re supposed to keep talking. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to say but I know I have to keep talking. I know that the guys who didn’t talk, the ones who… who fought, they didn’t make it very long. I think they expect us to tell stories. Tell about- about earth or something. Screw that. I’m not going to be some research tape for those crimson bastards. I’m going to talk about her because she’s the only goddamn thing I can think of. Not like they can understand me anyway.

            She’s a farm girl. Real simple girl. Probably waiting for me even now. Blue-green eyes and a set of cans that a guy remembers if he’s that sort of guy. I remember she made the first move. Asked me what I was doing and if I’d like to hang around after the show. It seems like so long ago now. Long before they got their filthy claws into me. Long before I ever saw the inside of a cave.

            I remember one time we drove out to the beach. The sunset. The waves. I remember I didn’t give a shit about any of it. I’ve never really been one for the beach. Didn’t care about the reds and pinks shining off the water. I just kept staring at her, trying to read her mind. Trying to figure out if anything was going to happen or if it was just my imagination. She kissed me I think. Or maybe it was the other way around. Who can remember?

            And then I remember walking her up. Or maybe I just dropped her off. Whatever the case I remember those eyes as we said goodbye. And then I drove. I remember driving. And I remember the light. I remember most everything except everything that happened after that.

            No. I remember something else. A car accident… I was at fault I think. I remember reaching down for my phone and feeling the car swagger across the lanes like it owned them. I remember the steel grabbing the steel, all snuggled up and curled around. I remember his face and how it was a little funny after. All chewed up and crumpled like it was trying to smile and couldn’t figure out how. I think it might have been the drinks but I remember laughing at that face. Not loud or anything. Not like I was a bad person. Just laughing like it wasn’t something I expected to see.

            I guess it must have been a different time because I think she must have been beside me. I can almost see her yelling. Upset that I was laughing like that. I guess I never really saw someone get hurt and I expected that it would mess me up more than it did. I think I loved her right then. I think I loved her and told her she better be quiet so I didn’t have to do nothing serious.

            No, that was a different time. I can see it a little better, she was goading me. Just yelling about jobs and money and kids or something. It’s pretty fuzzy but I told she should be quiet so nothing serious would happen. So I wouldn’t have to do nothing. I told her again and again but she just kept yelling. I can remember how my head hurt so bad and everything she said kept making it worse. So I guess I hit her. I mean, what was I supposed to do? I hit her and she called someone and I spent the night on the floor. I didn’t like that one bit.

            Her again. This time I can see her sobbing. Just crying away over some stupid thing and I kept hitting her over and over but she just kept crying. Just kept calling me names and telling me I’d be sorry. Just kept saying there was a place for people like me and that I’d be sorry. Just kept crying.

            The little red bastards are back again and they mean business this time. Hissing at us and stabbing and prodding us like we was a bunch of dogs. They turned the heat up again but it doesn’t matter because it already feels like a goddamn furnace in here. My hair’s been nothing but curly little nubs for a damned century.

            I don’t know what I’m going to say but I guess it should be about her. About those blue-green eyes and how they looked. I can remember them all dull and half-open. I remember shouting at her to wake up, telling her I meant it but you know how women can be sometimes. I can remember someone telling me that I’d be damned for what I did. That there was a place for people like me. I remember walking with my feet together, almost tripping. I remember asking for a cigarette and a bunch of sneering faces and noise that made my head hurt.

            I remember my dad telling me that nothing good ever came from nothing good. And how he used to take breaks from shouting to drink bourbon till it poured from the corners of his mouth. I remember an apartment building where an old couple used to keep the doors unlocked and the tv up loud. I remember a burger with a puddle of spit and a purse with money in it and about a thousand other things. But mostly, mostly I remember those eyes.